Afterimage 53: I'm Back. I Did A Thing.
I got divorced.
no 53
Hi, there. I’m back.
I’m sorry I disappeared. I should have said something before going. In the time I’ve been gone, I did a thing: I got divorced.
They say getting divorced takes twice the amount of energy it takes to get married. I beg to differ. It’s in powers. Powers of two or more.
The good news is, after it’s done, there’s freedom. Freedom to choose the life I want and how to show up in the world. While it was always the case, now, I have no constraints. Nor excuses.
Today’s Afterimage is freeform. It won’t take place in the usual format of Afterimage/Afterthought/ Question for You.
I’m happy to be back. Thanks for being here.
The Ability to Love
I know a lot about attraction and deepening relationships. Some of you might know I’ve started a book manuscript about being on Tinder as a Spiritual Practice.
But I’ve yet to finish it because, well… my divorce is final. My second one.
What does it say about my ability to love? I started believing I wasn’t good at it. But something told me that may not be true.
Longer Love is Better Love.
Our culture has us thinking longer love is better love. Is it? The idea of “staying in love” perplexes me. It’s an odd one for me. What does it really mean?
The anthropological, socio-economic answers point to the benefits of long unions (not necessarily love) for individuals, support systems, and from a societal perspective. I’ve been slow-burning to know how these long unions are made possible, and then sustained. My sense is that it goes beyond any relationship skills individual couples have.
Could long love, or long relationships be less about “staying in love”, but about something else?
:::
The way my second divorce has unfolded has been one of the biggest surprises of my life. (That I got married a second time might have been the bigger surprise, but I’m not ready to write about that yet.) In the end, the divorce process was respectful, kind, congenial, and imbued with friendship: unimaginable after my first divorce. The first one left me feeling riddled with bullets, weakened and lifeless. I used to visibly shake when I’d receive text messages from my first ex. Now it’s barely noticeable, I’m the only one that knows my heart rate’s increased.
The bullet holes are almost invisible, underneath the textured scarring. Today, the scarring feels like lace.
Lovingkindness in Solitude
After the initial disappointment and mourning of the divorce, something curious happened. As if my taste buds have opened for the first time in years, I’m detecting new flavors of contentment, groundedness, and peace. There’s a new hunger in the space solitude has created for me.
I’m starting to understand (again) that becoming unpartnered is neither good nor bad. It’s simply a change in environment. With the new environment comes a change in resources and their allocation. The change allows me to focus freely. On myself.
It’s time to get serious and excited about me. My life. My passions. What life continues to offer me. How will I have shaped my life, in three years— when my daughter leaves home? What do I want my world to look like? What permission do I still need to give myself to go all out and carpe diem my life?
With that thought, the old themes return: how do I build a better relationship with myself? Be more loving and accepting of myself as I would a partner?
The Truth About Evergreen
And then I realize one truth about evergreen relationships. The question sustaining evergreen relationships is: “How do I stay a loving person? To myself? And to others?”
Not “How do I stay in love? With the other person?”
How to stay a loving person can take form in ways we don’t expect. It can feel uncomfortable. Loving isn’t always comfortable. It can be hard.
It’s time to stay on the path of lovingkindness. To self-love. To get out of my own way. To redirect to lovingkindness whenever I veer off course.
So what’s my assignment? It’s to:
Meditate. Notice where I am. Practice deeper connection to myself.
Let go of who I think I need to be. Be me.
Choose joy. Curiosity. What’s right for me.
Forgive.
Acknowledge courage. Find and savor gratitude.
A better relationship with myself determines the quality of all my relationships and how I experience them.
I’m ready. Let’s go.
I love the reframe from "how do I stay in love?" to “How do I stay a loving person? To myself? And to others?” : ) Welcome back to the wonder of sharing words.
Sending lots of love Ako!!!